diff --git a/.github/workflows/cmake.yml b/.github/workflows/cmake.yml
index e4d5a86e8cc..1d5a48402f7 100644
--- a/.github/workflows/cmake.yml
+++ b/.github/workflows/cmake.yml
@@ -86,30 +86,26 @@ jobs:
         cat <<"EOF"
         ${{ toJSON(github.event) }}
         EOF
-
+    - name: Generate IRC message
+      if: always()
+      id: ircmsg
+      run: |
+        ${{ github.workspace }}/Meta/mangle_event_for_irc.py <<"EOF"
+        ["${{ github.actor }}", ${{ github.run_id }}, "${{ job.status }}",
+        ${{ toJSON(github.event) }}
+        ]
+        EOF
     - name: IRC result notification (direct push)
       uses: rectalogic/notify-irc@v1
-      if: github.repository == 'SerenityOS/serenity' && github.ref == 'refs/heads/master' && github.event_name == 'push' && !cancelled()
+      if: github.repository == 'SerenityOS/serenity' && github.ref == 'refs/heads/master' && github.event_name == 'push' && !cancelled() && steps.ircmsg.outputs.has_output
       with:
         channel: "#serenityos"
         nickname: serenity-ga
-        message: |-
-          ${{ github.actor }} pushed master on ${{ github.event.compare }}: ${{ job.status }}
-          Subject: ${{ join(github.event.commits[0].message) }} (+ more, maybe)
-          Details: https://github.com/${{ github.repository }}/actions/runs/${{github.run_id}}
-        # There might be hundreds of commits in a push: Printing them all to IRC will fail.
-        # Accessing the last commit is not possible: The python-y '-1' is not understood.
-        # Counting is not available: The config-file language is not Turing complete.
-        # We could write a script just to format the IRC message, but this is getting silly.
-        # https://github.com/SerenityOS/serenity/pull/3980
-
+        message: ${{ steps.ircmsg.outputs.the_line }}
     - name: IRC result notification (PR)
       uses: rectalogic/notify-irc@v1
-      if: github.event_name == 'pull_request' && !cancelled()
+      if: github.repository == 'SerenityOS/serenity' && github.event_name == 'pull_request' && !cancelled() && steps.ircmsg.outputs.has_output
       with:
         channel: "#serenityos"
         nickname: serenity-ga
-        message: |-
-          ${{ github.actor }} ${{ github.event.action }} PR #${{ github.event.pull_request.number }}: ${{ job.status }}
-          Subject: ${{ github.event.pull_request.title }}
-          Details: ${{ github.event.pull_request._links.html.href }}
+        message: ${{ steps.ircmsg.outputs.the_line }}
diff --git a/Meta/mangle_event_for_irc.py b/Meta/mangle_event_for_irc.py
new file mode 100755
index 00000000000..517c6765d21
--- /dev/null
+++ b/Meta/mangle_event_for_irc.py
@@ -0,0 +1,96 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env python3
+
+import json
+import sys
+
+# Must be exactly three lines each!
+# No trailing newline! (I.e. keep it as backslash-newline-tripleapostrophe.)
+TEMPLATE_PUSH = '''\
+{commit}{post_commit} (pushed master: {status}) {compare} https://github.com/SerenityOS/serenity/actions/runs/{run_id}\
+'''
+TEMPLATE_PR = '''\
+{title} ({actor} {action}: {status}) {link} https://github.com/SerenityOS/serenity/actions/runs/{run_id}\
+'''
+
+def compute_lines(wrapper):
+    actor, run_id, raw_status, event = wrapper
+
+    if raw_status == 'success':
+        status = 'The build passed.'
+    elif raw_status == 'failure':
+        status = 'The build failed.'
+    else:
+        status = 'The build {}(?)'.format(raw_status)
+
+    if 'action' not in event:
+        # This is a push.
+        if 'commits' not in event or not event['commits']:
+            show_msg = '??? (No commits in event?!)'
+            post_commit = ''
+        else:
+            commits = event['commits']
+            show_commit = commits[-1]['message']
+            if 'skip ci' in show_commit or 'ci skip' in show_commit:
+                print('User requested to skip IRC notification. Okay!')
+                return False
+            # First line of the last commit:
+            show_msg = show_commit.split('\n')[0]
+            if len(commits) == 1:
+                post_commit = ''
+            elif len(commits) == 2:
+                post_commit = ' (+1 commit)'
+            else:
+                post_commit = ' (+{} commits)'.format(len(commits))
+        return TEMPLATE_PUSH.format(
+            actor=actor,
+            status=status,
+            run_id=run_id,
+            commit=show_msg,
+            post_commit=post_commit,
+            compare=event.get('compare', '???'),
+        )
+    elif 'pull_request' in event:
+        # This is a PR.
+        raw_action = event['action']
+        if raw_action == 'opened':
+            action = 'opened'
+        elif raw_action == 'reopened':
+            action = 'reopened'
+        elif raw_action == 'synchronize':
+            action = 'updated'
+        else:
+            action = '{}(?)'.format(raw_action)
+        if event['pull_request'].get('draft', True):
+            print("This is a draft PR, so IRC won't be notified.")
+            print('Note: No rebuild occurs when the PR is "un-drafted"!')
+            return False
+        return TEMPLATE_PR.format(
+            actor=actor,
+            action=action,
+            status=status,
+            run_id=run_id,
+            title=event['pull_request'].get('title', '???'),
+            link=event['pull_request'].get('_links', dict()).get('html', dict()).get('href', '???'),
+        )
+    else:
+        print('Unrecognized event type?!')
+        return False
+
+
+def run_on(json_string):
+    wrapper = json.loads(json_string)
+    line = compute_lines(wrapper)
+    has_output = bool(line)
+    print('::set-output name=has_output::{}'.format(has_output))
+    print('> ::set-output name=has_output::{}'.format(has_output))
+    if has_output:
+        print('::set-output name=the_line::{}'.format(line))
+        print('> ::set-output name=the_line::{}'.format(line))
+
+
+def run():
+    run_on(sys.stdin.read())
+
+
+if __name__ == '__main__':
+    run()